Mommalicious in Suburbia

How My Kid's School is Tormenting Me

2011-12-16T17:25:00.000-06:00

Each time I see an email from my kid's school pop up in my inbox my sphincter puckers. For the more simple minded "sphincter" means asshole.

After 21 years of parenting I think I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder related to bad news from my kid's school. The emails I fear the most are the ones saying "There has been a case of lice reported in your child's classroom" or "There has been a case of strep throat reported in your child's classroom."

Don't get me wrong I appreciate the heads up on a possible plague making it's way through my kid's school. My first thought is always the same. What asshole sent their kid to school with lice or strep?

This invariably leads to me interrogating my child, "Who has been scratching their head? Has someone had a sore throat?" Somehow knowing who patient zero is makes me feel better. I just like having someone to blame.

Following the interrogation of my child my head begins to itch (if the report was of lice), or my throat hurts (if it was strep). So not only do I have massive anxiety and feel my family is under attack, but I'm then concerned that I may have a case of hypochondria on top of my PTSD.

Most times the emails from the school are harmless. I think they should start them off with "No one has lice or strep", and then go on to say whatever they have to say. At this point it doesn't matter. The damage is done. This is just another reason why summers are less stressful.

Facebook Timeline and Why Mark Zuckerberg Needs a Spanking

2011-12-15T18:00:00.003-06:00

Me if I wasn't 41 years old and 30 lbs overweight

Once again the look of facebook is going to change. I don't dread the change so much as I do the incessant bitching that will follow from users.

Today I made the switch to the new Timeline layout, or whatever you call it. I think everyone will be switched over on December 22nd. This gives people time to learn how to use it before the switch, but of course there will be those who couldn't find their face if it wasn't attached. Those people will complain the loudest and act like they never knew this was coming.

You still have control over what people see. Despite that some knuckle dragger will no doubt post "Facebook is now sharing all of your private information!"

Personally I like it for the most part. I love the new cover photo, which makes sense because I'm a total photo whore. The layout doesn't bother me either.

What does bug me is all these apps that you can add. You can add a hulu app so everyone knows what you are watching. Awkward if you are a 35 year old straight man who loves The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

There is an app that will update your running times, distances and show a map of where you run. I don't want people knowing my jogging route. Not that I have one, but if I did I sure as hell wouldn't want every mugger in town to know it.

Though timeline looks good to me, these additional apps will only make it easier for the FBI to find, or build a case against you. For that reason Mark Zuckerberg needs a spanking.

Top 5 Fitness Club Tips

2011-12-14T21:06:00.000-06:00

Nothing makes me want to slap a bitch more than when a skinny woman says "I eat whatever I want and I hardly workout." I knew a woman who said that once. First off, she was lying through her capped teeth.

I know this because I followed her for awhile on facebook and a tiny bit in real life. She DID go to the gym, and I'm pretty sure she was bulimic. I too could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight if I did the one finger toss up after.

Unfortunately for me I gain weight just by looking at fatty food. My body attracts calories the way a trailer park attracts tornadoes. For this reason I have to get my heifer ass back to the gym.

There is no reason for me to not be working out regularly, other than I hate it. I have a diamond level membership at Lifetime Fitness. I upgraded my membership thinking that if I paid more I would go more. It didn't really work out that way.

The good news is I'm actually going to the gym now, and making sure I get my money's worth. For starters I use at least 4-5 towels when I'm there. One for the pool, two for the steam room and two for after my shower.

The fabulous thing about Diamond level clubs is they have awesome toiletries. I use everything when I'm there, whether I need it or not. Thankfully they keep a huge stock of Q-tips as I keep running out at home.

Because I paid a membership fee for years and hardly went, I feel like I own the place, or at least have stock in it. Lifetime is actually owned by a very handsome Middle Eastern man, Bahram Akradi.

Bahram Akradi aka: Hunky Gym Owner

After spending some time at the club recently, I have a few suggestions for Bahram that he may want to implement in his clubs nationwide, at least at the Diamond Club level. I give you my Top Five Tips for Lifetime Fitness:

1. New policy: Women can not show up on the gym floor wearing full make-up with their hair down. Lifetime is not a strip club nor a singles bar. Show up looking like crap like the rest of us.

2. If a Diamond level member yell out "Shit I love this song" while listening to 80's music on her iPod, the staff shall not reprimand her for yelling "shit". For some of us 80's music is the only thing keeping us on that damn treadmill.

3. All fit men between the ages of 25 and 55 must workout without a shirt on.

4. Members no longer need to wipe down their cardio machines after use. I'm not pissing on it, it's just a little sweat.

5. No male trainer can be hired unless he has a little bit of gray hair. If these 20 something year old trainers continue to call me "Ma'am" I will continue to respond with "Say that again and I'll kick you in the nuts!"

You Say Stalker Like It's a Bad Thing

2011-12-13T18:42:00.000-06:00

The internet and caller ID have changed the playing field when it comes to what might be considered stalking. I'm not going to lie, I have been accused of being a stalker. Mostly by my now 19 year old daughter. She calls it stalking, I call it parenting.

This got me thinking about whether or not I have stalker tendencies. In Middle School I followed a boy named Keoni all over the school without him knowing, because I liked him. Not too strange.

In my early 20's I called a guy I had just started dating, over and over again until I caught him at home. This was pre-cell phones. Sometimes I would call him 10 times in a row. Imagine how embarrassed I was when I found out what caller ID was and that he had it.

Caller ID cramped my style until I learned about caller ID blocking, then I was back in the game. I've called an ex-boyfriend when I knew he wouldn't be home just so I could hear his voice on his voicemail. Come on, who hasn't done that?

I've joined a gym because a guy I was into belonged to that gym. Effective yes, stalkerish not really.

When my now 19 year old was about 15 she snuck out of the house, I found out who the boy was that picked her up. I knew the neighborhood he lived in, but not which house. With my daughter safely at home I knocked on four doors before I found his house. Lucky for him he wasn't home, but his sister was. I told her she had better hope his parents find him before I do.

I then went to where I heard he worked and told everyone there he was a pedophile. For record he was just two years older than my daughter and nothing actually happened. That last bit was probably crossing a line, but you don't mess with a momma bear. I also found his mom on facebook and let her know what evil her son was up to. Parenting yes, stalking I don't think so.

I wouldn't label myself as a stalker, as much I would call it being passionate and innovative. It's not like I've gone through someone's garbage. Okay actually I did, but it was my daughter's and she was up to something. Again, parenting.

Recently I came across a few common traits of a stalker.

What or who is Your Spirit Guide?

2011-12-12T15:58:00.000-06:00

In the Hawaiian culture there is something called an aumakua. Simply put, an aumakua is a spirit guide in the form of an animal or some other part of nature. The belief is that it is the reincarnation of an ancestor that acts as a spirit guide and protector. At least this is my understanding of it. Don't go quoting me in a report on aumakuas or anything.

The American Indians also believe in spirit guides in the form of animals. Being that I'm both Hawaiian and American Indian, I've been contemplating what or who my spirit guide is, and I've figured it out.

My dwarf crush actor Peter Dinklage

My spirit guide is the North American Dwarf. Now, hear me out; Being friends with a dwarf has been on my bucket list for sometime. As is the case with a spirit guide, I run into dwarfs during times of needed protection, like when I travel.

Just a month or so ago I was in New York. I walked out of my hotel for the first time and boom, walked by a dwarf. I immediately knew I was protected and would have a safe trip.

The same thing has happened in Seattle, New Orleans and even Europe. I seem to run into more dwarfs when I travel than any other time.

Despite my strong affinity for my spirit guide, friendship with one continues to elude me. I'm wondering if it isnt' because dwarfs are meant to be my spirit guide and not my friend? Hmmmm.....

Regardless, I'm totally into dwarf and actor Peter Dinklage. If anyone knows him contact me. If I'm going to have a dwarf buddy, I think it should be Peter.

Who or what is your spirit guide?

Ready for our close up

2011-12-12T10:30:00.001-06:00

Loki

It's no secret that I'm nuts when it comes to my baby Loki. A year ago I decided a needed a baby that wouldn't grow up, unlike my kids who were growing up way too fast. They are now 21, 19 and 13.

Now that my baby Loki aka: Lolki-licious is well on his way to becoming the next "it" dog, he needed some new head shots. I didn't think twice about turning to young photographer Keeley Flavin of Flavin Fotography.

Flavin did our family Christmas photos this year, and if she could handle our unruly bunch, she could handle Loki.

Be sure to check back and visit our "Doggielicious" page where Loki and his stylist at Adogo Pet Spa will share their tips for becoming Doggielicious.

I'm not trying to be any way but...

2011-12-08T16:01:00.001-06:00

Loki The Fabulous after a blueberry facial

If I say "I'm not trying to be any way but..." and then hit you with some bold, or offensive statement, you have to accept it without becoming miffed. This is a little trick I learned from my dear friend TJ.

So, I'm not trying to be any way but, my baby Loki is the cutest, most fabulous dog around. Say what you want about my kids, but Loki is perfection in fur. Though he has a few minor flaws: getting tangled up in my underwear and parading my panties around, or eating his own poop, he more than makes up for it in personality and cuteness.

I'm proud to announce that my 8 lb ball of love is now the official spokesmodel for Adogo Pet Spa in Adogo Pet Hotel in Minnetonka, Minnesota.

Adogo Pet Spa is where Loki has gone for his blueberry facials and spa days since he came into my life a year ago. Keep an eye out because this hunk-a-puppy is going places.

Dear Santa We Were Kind of Good

2011-12-02T19:55:00.002-06:00

In 2009 I wrote my first Christmas letter and included it in the Christmas cards I sent out. Though I had been sending Christmas cards out for years, I had never done one of those letters.

Now, unlike the typical over the top "My kids walk on water and your kids look retarded" letters, mine blew no smoke. I'm all about sharing your accomplishments, but some of those letters take it to a whole new level. If you are going to tell me how your little Sarah was class valedictorian at her high school, I also want to hear how she was busted for underaged drinking the following summer. Keep it real and balanced is all I'm saying.

In my 2009 letter I mentioned how I was thankful that no one in the household had been arrested that year, and that I took my annual trip to Seattle where my friends continue to sabotage my walk with Jesus. I shared a highlight about each kid's year but made it clear that they continued to perform at a mediocre level in school. Real and balanced. It was an improvement over the year before's photo card, where unbeknownst to me my 130lb dog was sporting a giant doggie erection in our family photo. How I missed that still puzzles me.

I proudly sent my first Christmas letter out to 100 of our closest friends and family members. Two of them took the time to write me with their thoughts on how offensive my letter was. A few more smiled nervously when they saw me next, but the majority loved it. It was a review of our year including the good, the bad and the ugly.

This year I couldn't get my act together to include a Christmas letter with our cards. But, worry not as I will be posting one here on this blog for 2011.

Anyways, keep this in mind when sending out your holiday cards this year. People like real and balanced. Our accomplishments along with our failures are what make us human. Plus this way the overachievers won't make us underachievers feel bad.

Psychic or Psychotic

2011-11-30T22:02:00.005-06:00

I'm sitting up in my bed entertaining the idea that I may be psychic. In an effort to not stuff my face after 8:00pm I decided to do some channel surfing to occupy my mind. I came across America's Psychic Challenge on Lifetime.

The show takes several psychics through different challenges, which they are scored on. Everything from finding a kid who was hiding, to determining the relationship between two people.

Before each commercial America's Psychic Challenge gives the viewer a challenge. I nailed two out of three. I knew which toy was the favorite of the fat asian baby, and I knew which color the roulette wheel was going to land on. The third challenge was picking which of three guys was a juggler, and I missed that one. I think in part because I was distracted by how weaselly one of the guys looked.

Does this alone mean I'm psychic? Well no, but I'm exploring the possibility by watching future episodes of this show. I also see it as a sign that maybe I should go to Vegas with some cash.

Intuition, psychic powers, whatever you want to call it is an interesting thing. It seems to be rather hit or miss. I have a knack for finding my son's cell phone, which he repeatedly looses, but I can't find my car when I come out of Target.

I'm probably more lucky than psychic. Hopefully after a few more episodes I'll be able to determine that. In the meantime I'm exploring flights to Vegas.

Trapped In The Bathroom

2011-11-29T15:53:00.001-06:00

This afternoon I enjoyed a lovely lunch with an even lovlier friend at The Lakeshore Grill in Macy's. They have the best lobster bisque I've ever had, and they only serve it during the holidays. I'm also a huge fan of their iced tea.

After some great conversation and about three glasses of iced tea I had to pee like a race horse. Standing in the women's bathroom with my legs crossed, praying that I wouldn't sneeze, I waited and waited, and waited for no one to leave a stall.

I don't know what the heck those women were doing in there but I was starting to sweat. Sometimes I think women take so long in a stall because they often wait so long to get in. For God's sake it's a toilet not a rent controled apartment!

At this point I was desperate and my options were limited. I didn't think I could make the walk across Macy's to theri other restroom. Pissing myself as I raced through the lingerie section was not an option. I knew what I had to do. If If a guy could cut off his hand to free himself from being trapped by a giant rock, I too would do the unthinkable to survive.

I ducked out the door and slowly peeked into the men's restroom. No one was in there so I made a dash for a stall with a door. First off, why is it we can put a man on the moon, but we can't make a men's bathroom smell halfway decent? This was a nice restaurant but the bathroom smelled like it was painted with pee.

My desperation outweighed my disguist and I got down to business. As I opened the flood gates to urination relief, I contemplated why it was that we women never had adequte bathroom facilities. Before I could come up with an answer the bathroom door opened.

As panic set in I looked around my stall for an exit other than out the door. There were no windows. I was going to have to wait it out. But what if he had to go number two and waited for the one stall that I was in? Thankfully he approached a urinal and proceeded to relieve himself, complete with a celebratory fart at the end.

If he had only peed, I might have considered leaving my refuge and explaining why I was in there, but after he let one out there was no way our eyes could meet. As he washed his hands I cursed the women who occupied the women's stalls for too long.

I'm sure only minutes had passed, but it felt like hours. Finally he left the bathroom. I waited 10 seconds to make sure he would be well away from the entrance to the bathroom, then I high tailed it out of there. I don't regret my decision. I did what I had to do. But, I feel compelled to make a plea to women everywhere. We as a sisterhood need to practice speed peeing, and get out of those stalls quicker! Stop the madness ladies, get in and get out. The men's room is no place for a lady.

Mini-mom Takes Manhattan

2011-11-05T20:50:00.001-05:00

Panic attacks are not a part of my history, but I found myself feeling like I couldn't breathe, as if I was going to pass out, slouched over my shopping cart at Cub Foods, sobbing next to the brownie mixes.

My sister's and I had just picked up my mother's ashes, so I suppose my panic attack had everything to do with that. In hindsight it made sense that I was overcome with emotion at Cub Foods as it's where my mother use to grocery shop. I'm a Byerly's fan myself as I have an aversion to packing my own groceries.

My second panic attack was the next day when I had a horrible feeling that the left side of my back was black, empty and needed to be cut out. It's where my left kidney used to be before I donated it to my mom seven years ago.

Apparently this feeling isn't all that uncommon in organ donors who have lost the person they donated an organ too. Learning that made me feel better, if not less crazy.

Not looking forward to dealing with not only the loss of my mother, but potential phantom kidney decay, I decided that I needed a way to help me deal with what I was going through.

One week after my mother died I arrived in New York with my husband Aka: The Stud Muffin. We already had this trip scheduled. We were going to Manhattan for a long weekend to celebrate the 14th anniversary of our first kiss. The Stud Muffin and I have a goal to make-out in every State. New York is our 14th State in 14 years.

When my mom was cremated my sister and I ordered little mini urns with a small amount of our mom's ashes in each. We took to calling them "Mini-mom".

I brought my "Mini-mom" with me to New York. She had never been to the Big Apple before and I knew she would have loved to go.

People have different ways of dealing with grief, and loss. When you loose someone close to you other people tend to accept what they might normally consider odd behavior, because you are grieving and all.

My goal was to take my Mini-Mom around New York with the Stud Muffin and I, taking photos along the way.

Mini-mom at the Top of the Rock

Our first day in New York was a tough, but panic attack free day. We visited the Top of the Rock, which had the most amazing views of the city. You wouldn't think you could shock New Yorkers. Try pulling out your mother's ashes and asking them to snap a photo of you and mini-mom. That surprises them.

Mini-mom under the Bow Bridge in Central Park

I learned quick that it was better to not tell people what you were doing, but to just let them look at you inquisitively when you placed a mini urn on the ground to take a photo.

Mini-mom at The Palm Court in the Plaza Hotel

The other thing I figured out was that if you are in a public place, such as a restaurant, it is best to whip out your mini-mom and snap the photo when you are done eating and ready to leave. Just incase it makes the staff uneasy and they ask you to leave.

Mini-mom playing checkers in Central Park

We are three days into our trip and I've gotten very comfortable shooting photos of mini-mom, even sharing what I'm doing with people we have met along the way. Most aren't freaked out by it. I've been finding that elderly people get the biggest kick out of it.

Mini-mom at the Champagne Bar at The Plaza

Mini-mom has become quite the lush since we have been in New York. We can hardly keep her out of the bars ;)

I know the change of scenery has helped me greatly. I haven't had a panic attack or breakdown since leaving home a few days ago. It's harder to be around the familiar.

For now I feel like I'm on just another adventure with my mom. One of the many that we have had over the years. I'll be home in two days and back to my routine, which I know will be harder to deal with.

I'm thinking that if I'm home and having a tough time, or the panic attacks start sneaking up on me, I'll just grab mini-mom and head out for an adventure around my own town. My mom had an adventurous spirit, more than her body could handle. Those adventures don't have to stop.

Donna-Gail Wilcock June 18th, 1952 - October 26th 2011

2011-10-27T07:21:00.001-05:00

My mother held me when I took my first breathes in this world, and I held her hand as she took her last. Yesterday on October 26th, 2011 shortly before 5:00pm my mom Donna-Gail Wilcock passed away.

To me she was mom, to many others she was DG, Donna-Gail, Donna, or that lady who can't order something simple off a restaurant menu, but has to have everything custommized. She liked what she liked, wanted what she wanted and made no appologies for it.

She pushed me to think and live outside the box. One rainy summer day when my son Jared was about two, he wanted to take off his clothes and run around outside in the rain. As he kept stripping down and heading for the door, I kept pulling him back in. My mom was there and she said "Just let him, it sounds like fun." She took her naked grandson's hand and ran around outside dancing in the rain with him. She kept her clothes on, thank God as they were in the front yard. They both came back in soaked but giddy from their adventure.

My mom loved a good laugh and was a good sport when it came to laughing at herself. She appreciated my sense of humor and brand of humor. Whether I was throwing fake dog poo at her or covering her car with magnetic bullett holes, she laughed with us. Often after yelling "What is wrong with you?", but she did laugh.

She loved traditions, her own traditions of course. Every year on the day of the first snow fall she and I go to a coffee shop for a decadent drink. Sometimes it's hot cocoa, a mocha or a chai latte. Just a few weeks ago she reminded me that I better not forget to pick her up and take her to the coffee shop on the first snow day.

Seven years ago my mom had kidney failure and underwent a kidney transplant using one of my kidneys. She did well for years but struggled with a suppressed immune system due to the anti rejection drugs she had to take. A few weeks ago she became very ill with resperatory issues.

She went to the hospital where she was admitted with a lung infection. Several days later she was moved to the ICU where she went onto a ventilator. Despite the amazing care she received by teams of medical professionals at the University of Minnesota Medical Center, her infection spread throughout her body, her organs started to shut down and she went into a coma.

My mom made it clear to my sister, myself and her husband Corey that she did not want to be kept alive on a machine once we knew she was not going to recover. I'm so thankful that we had those conversations with her when we did.

Yesterday I woke up, and before I could open my eyes I had a vision of my mom as a tiny fairy trying to fly away, but she coudln't because she was chained to a body, her body. My mom loved fairies and I know it was her way of letting me know she was ready to be free and that I needed to hurry up and come to terms with it because she had things to do. As usual, my mother had her own schedule.

When my sister and I got to the hospital yesterday it was made clear to all of us that she was not going to make it, no matter what medical treatments were done. We gathered our famiily together including her four grandchildren and spent the day together with my mom.

We played Hawaiian music in her room, we gave her a manicure and pedicure. Her granddaughters painted her nails one last time. I brushed her hair and gave her a headband with a flower. At first I put a blingy rhinestone headband on her but heard her voice in my head saying "Do I look like Paris Hilton to you?". Bling is my thing, not my mom's.

We shared stories about my mom and other life adventures. We cried together and we laughed. We had a beautiful day saying our goodbyes and letting her know that we would be okay. We let her know that we were so thankful for the time we had with her.

Shortly before 5:00pm while listening to Iz Kamakawiwo'ole sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", surrounded by her husband, her daughthers, and our families she passed away without pain, enveloped in love.

My mother made it clear that she did not want a funeral but would allow a Celebration of Life party. We are celebrating her life on Saturday October 29th from Noon-4:00pm at my sister's house, 440 West Lake Street in Excelsior. All who would like to join us are welcome to come.

We can honor my mother by living outside the box once in awhile. Dancing in the rain, having breakfast for dinner, or befriending a hitchhiker as she did on our trip to South Dakota in June.

Mostly we can honor her by spending time with the ones we love, not letting our differences keep us apart, or getting caught up in conflicts. Everyday we have with a loved one, no matter how imperfect it is, is a blessing. Everyday is a new day, never touched, still fresh in the box. Open it, step into it and make it your own as my mother did.

What Makes a Family?

2011-06-14T14:44:00.002-05:00

I'm amazed that I haven't blogged for almost five months! Though I have been keeping my website up so visit my "Recent Antics" page to see what I've been up to. What can I say except that I've been busier than Lindsay Lohan in a jewelry store.

Work and family have kept me pretty tied up, along with doing some traveling. My middle daughter Kelsey just graduated from high school this last weekend. We had a fabulous weekend with family and friends, filled with fun.

Graduation festivities are a lot of work and I'm glad I had the help of my family. More than ever I appreciate the family I have. Many would consider it to be somewhat non-traditional. I'll do my best to explain it. It may help you to diagram it out.

My first husband is named Dan and he is the father of my oldest daughter Shelby. Brett Aka: "Baby Daddy" (because we were never married) is the father of my middle daughter Kelsey. Brad is my current (and final) husband of 14 years and father of my son Jared. Here are "The Dads" with Kelsey.

Brad, Dan, Brett and Kelsey

We all get along and really do have fun together. Dan flew in from Sacramento, Brett, his wife Janette and daughter Kayla came in from Colorado, all for Kelsey's graduation weekend. Brett's wife Janette is like a sister to me and adored by the rest of my family as is their daughter Kayla.

Brad, Me, Dan, Brett, Kelsey, Shelby, Kayla & Janette

Each of us decided to make the effort to be a family for our children and for ourselves. Our kids have been raised understanding that biology alone is not what makes a family.

We have helped each other over the years and continue to do so. I got a few interesting looks of confusion when I would tell people that everyone was staying at my house for the weekend.

For many keeping a family together after a divorce or break up is not an option. For me maintaining and creating a friendly relationship was the only option for us and our children. We have weathered a few storms, which has only brought us closer.

At the end of the day we know we can count on each other, which is really what family is all about. I have to give major props to my husband Brad. It takes a secure and maybe slightly crazy man to embrace all of this. Brad has done so with an open heart, which is why he is my stud-muffin.

Life is too short to not forgive and to live in resentment and anger. The world is a much more enjoyable place to be when you surround yourself with the people you love, and accept each other as they are.

Minneapolis St. Paul Magazine Best of the Best Party

2011-02-22T13:21:00.001-06:00

Jennifer, Connie, Natalie and Barrie with new friends

Minneapolis St. Paul Magazine once again hosted their Best of the Best Party in downtown Minneapolis. This year's party had a Las Vegas theme. There was a DJ playing what sounded like latin music while two scantily clad young women danced along. I wasn't sure how that played into the Vegas theme. Although the topless hunks in bow ties was a plus.

We arrived for the VIP hour or what I like to call "An hour to stuff my face with minimal interference". The best restaurants that the Twin Cities has to offer were set up with samples galore. I ate my way through several of the rooms sampling sushi from Seven, chocolate cake from Kincaid's and more.

I must say that this year's party was NOT as good as last years. From the decoration to the entertainment last years Mardis Gras themed party was better put together.

We still had a great time and I look forward to the Best of the Best party next year.

The Ultimate Pajama Party

2011-01-24T07:57:00.001-06:00

Tina, Gretchen, Lana, Slade and Natalie at the VIP Party

To say that I'm a fan of The Real Housewives franchise on Bravo would be an understatement. I've seen every episode of each Housewives city from Orange County to New York since the first cat fight aired a few years ago.

Recently two of my favorite guilty pleasures melted together in an evening of worthy of its own reality TV show. The best thing about January is that The Ultimate Pajama Party happens. This year Gretchen Rossi from the Real Housewives of Orange County attended along with her stud muffin boyfriend Slade who is also on the show.

Lana, Slade, and Natalie

My friend Tina, my sister Lana and I had a blast at the VIP pre-party held at Crave at West End. I enjoyed chatting with Gretchen about her handbag line the Gretchen Christine collection. Lana cornered Slade and got the dirt on what his ex-girlfriend Jo from The Real Housewives of Orange County is now up to.

Mistress Ginger is in the pink wig and has been "Curing hot messes since 2011"

After the VIP party we hit The Ultimate Pajama party and enjoyed, shopping, massage, dancing and the "Tell your problems to a gay guy booth" with Mistress Ginger, all in our PJs. Much to my delight there was a psychic den and I was able to spend some time with Pet Psychic Janet Roper to get some insight on why my puppy Loki is not yet potty trained.

Bill Tamlyn and Jake Bowers from One Man Minneapolis

Guys from One Man Minneapolis were volunteering at the party and helping to raise money for Dress for Success, the charity the party benefited. Both were auctioned off during a live auction hosted by Mrs. Minnesota United States Wendi Russo and Gretchen Rossi. Both ladies did a great job raising money for Dress for Success.

With Tammy Hauser, the Goddess behind The Ultimate Pajama Party

This year Ultimate Pajama Party creator Tammy Hauser out did herself. Each year the party gets better and better and is something I look forward to each year!

Tina, Natalie and Lana at the PJ party

You Give Me Fever, Arctic Fever

2011-01-16T08:14:00.001-06:00

Arctic Fever Ice Princess Sara Plehal with Ice Princess Judges

We had the fever this weekend, Arctic Fever that is. This weekend was the 5th annual Arctic Fever event in Excelsior. Sleigh rides, dog sledding, cross country ski races and an Ice Princess contest were just a few of the activities going on around town.

Armed with long underwear I ventured out into the single digit temps and was a judge for the outdoor Arctic Fever Ice Princess Contest. The other judges were Jennifer Burish from Avanti, and Mrs. Excelsior Elizabeth Hopfinspirger.

Ice Princess Judges

Once again the Arctic Fever event was the place to be this weekend. It makes winter tolerable, and reminds us of the fun side of winter in Minnesota.

Working out at 40 is work!

2011-01-15T09:44:00.001-06:00

The other day I headed into Fitness 19 to go to fitness Boot Camp with trainer Scott Craig. I couldn't help but realize how different a visit to the gym is at 40 as compared to when I was in my 20's.

In my 20's I would throw on my cute matching workout outfit, pee once, pull back my hair, and head out the door, grabbing a muffin or even McDonald's on the way. I'd bounce into the gym and right into a fitness class ready to raise the bar on my fitness abilities.

Now let's compare this to a typical trip to the gym for me today, 20 years, 3 kids, 2 dogs and one husband later. I wake up and stumble to the bathroom, carefully avoiding any surprises that my puppy may have left me. Once in the bathroom I pee, wash my hands, brush my teeth and wonder how it is that gray hair grows overnight.

I check the room next door and see my 12 year old sleeping comfortably, even though it is freezing and he has kicked off all of his blankets. I put on my coat and take Loki my puppy out so he can relieve himself, if he hadn't already done so on my bedroom floor. While standing outside freezing I'm also silently chanting to myself, "Please poop outside, please poop outside". Loki poops outside and I feel like I've won the lottery.

On the way back in the house I check the driveway to see if my 20 or 18 year old have blocked my car in. On a good day I'm free and clear, not needing to take the extra time to do the car park shuffle.

Back in the house I grab the first thing I can reach in my drawer of workout clothes. None of which are matching sets. These clothes are an assortment of crappy t-shirts and sweatpants. I dress in the dark because my husband is still sleeping. I pull back my hair tightly in a ponytail, thinking that in doing so I'm helping my puffy eyes to look more open.

Once in the light of the kitchen I see that my shirt doesn't quite match my pants, but at least it is clean. Some days it isn't quite clean but it matches. I figure it all balances out.

I make a protein shake with extra fiber, a girl has to stay regular. I pee again. Taking my shake to the car I finally head to the gym drinking it on the way while listening to talk radio, who can handle music first thing in the morning.

Once in the gym I sit down to put on my tennis shoes. This takes time because I have to take my inserts out of my street shoes and shove them into my gym shoes. Inserts I had to get because apparently I'm flat footed.

Before boot camp starts I pee again, that would be number 3 if you were counting. If you are a woman of my age who has had children you know that when you go to the gym you better have an empty bladder. God help us if we have to do jumping jacks.

Boot camp starts, halfway through I swear I will never eat another cookie again because loosing those calories are torture. For the record I still eat the cookies.

Maybe a trip to the gym at 40 is a bit more complicated than it was at 20, but it's a necessary evil.

The Road to Becoming Mrs. Minnesota

2011-01-14T07:43:00.001-06:00

Mayor Ruehl with Mrs. Excelsior

There is a new Mrs. Excelsior in town and her name is Elizabeth Hopfinspirger. I attended her official banner presentation with Excelsior Mayor Nick Ruehl. Mayor Ruehl has been such a great supporter of previous Mrs. Excelsiors and their volunteer work, along with the International pageant system.

Hopfenspirger volunteers with Jenny's Light, an organization dedicated to raising awareness and educating others on postpartum depression. She will represent Excelsior along with other city title holders at the Mrs. Minnesota pageant in March.

Here is an article from the Sun Sailor about her. More than a title for new Mrs. Excelsior.

I've met some amazing women through the Mrs. Minnesota International pageant since I was Mrs. Excelsior in 2008. This pageant system provides a platform for women to make a difference in their community.

For example, my good friend Tamara Jett Mrs. Ham Lake has been an advocate in raising awareness about prostate cancer.

I've seen her work with tireless dedication for years in her fight to support finding a cure for this disease. A disease that her father has fought, and her own son is at risk of contracting. Like Elizabeth, Tamara's advocacy efforts will continue long after the Mrs. Minnesota pageant.

The road to becoming Mrs. Minnesota International is a road of opportunity to be of service, as is the title itself. I've seen Mrs. Minnesotas leave behind them a legacy of service and goodwill. I've also seen the polar opposite.

Who the next Mrs. Minnesota International is we won't know until March. In the meantime Elizabeth, Tamara and many other contestants are volunteering in their communities and beyond, to make a difference and to be of service to others.

The Ultimate Pajama Party

2011-01-12T18:38:00.001-06:00

Natalie Hagemo and Sarah Clifford backstage at Twin Cities Live

Last January I spent an evening in my PJs shopping, dancing, drinking cocktails and consulting with a pet psychic. I'll admit this wasn't my typical Saturday night. My girlfriends and I attended our first Ultimate Pajama Party.

This year there is another Ultimate Pajama Party on January 22nd and you can bet I already have my tickets. Where else can you wear your PJs while getting a massage, shop for clothes, tell your problems to a gay man (Yes there is a booth for that) and toast signature cocktails with your besties?

For me this upcoming Ultimate Pajama Party is even more exciting because Gretchen Rossi from The Real Housewives of Orange County will be there! I'm a huge fan of the Real Housewives franchise and look forward to meeting Gretchen. Even though her boyfriend/Manager Slade will be there. I haven't been a fan of his, but maybe he will change my mind.

Recently I was asked to model PJs on Twin Cities Live for a segment about the Ultimate Pajama Party. You can see that segment here "Ultimate Pajama Party on Twin Cities Live"
It was a total blast and I got some great ideas for what kind of PJs I may want to wear this year.

Backstage at Twin Cities Live

This year I have even more friends going and I know it will be a blast. You can get your tickets by visiting The Ultimate Pajama Party.

Time With Good Friends

2011-01-06T18:58:00.001-06:00

Last night my very good friend Connie had a gathering with her closets friends at her home. We were all so busy during the holidays. It was wonderful to sit by the fire and get caught up with my friends.

Part of my New Year's resolution is to make time with friends more of a priority. With kids, family commitments, work and other things time with friends sometimes get lost in the shuffle.

My dear friend Tamara had a get together the day after Christmas where the dress code was sweat pants. We had a blast! We ate we laughed, our friend Wendi had me in stitches!

Both these parties reminded me that we all need to make time with those we care about, especially our friends, a priority. The women in my life have seen me through parental nightmares, psychotic animals and other crazy women.

Regardless of the busy days ahead of me, I know that part of that time will be spent with the woman who I love and adore.

Kicking off the Holidays in Excelsior

2010-11-30T10:19:00.001-06:00

Mayor Ruehl, Mrs. Mn Wendi Russo, Myrle Mackenzie
and myself after the opening

There is nothing like Christmas in Excelsior! Thanksgiving weekend we had our annual Christkindlsmarkt, which is an open air Christmas market modeled after the ones in Germany.

Christkindlsmarkt opened with a parade featuring Mrs. Minnesota Wendi Russo and Santa. I had the pleasure of participating in the ribbon cutting ceremony with Excelsior Mayor Nick Ruehl.

Ribbon Cutting

Thankful Bagging

2010-11-24T20:13:00.001-06:00

Today I had the pleasure of volunteering for the ICA Food Shelf. Myself along with other volunteers from my community, including Excelsior Mayor Nick Ruehl bagged groceries at Cub Foods in Minnetonka to raise money for the ICA Food Shelf.

This was such a fun activity, besides it being for a great cause. For one I thoroughly enjoy trying to figure out what people are planning on making with the groceries they are buying. There were the Thanksgiving staples: turkeys, the makings for pie and stuffing. Then there were the awkward purchases of condoms and depends. As a bagging professional I kept a straight face and didn't comment or giggle at these purchases.

On this eve of Thanksgiving I'm thankful that I have the opportunities I do to be involved in my community. Even if it means handling someone else's birth control or depends.

Excelsior Fall Frolic Thursdays, Botox and a Side of Wine

2010-11-18T08:37:00.001-06:00

The Sun Sailor runs my column "Out and About" where I talk about who and what is happening in Excelsior. Here is the link to this weeks column:

Excelsior's Fall Frolic on Thursdays - Botox and a Side of Wine

Puppy Love and Fashion

2010-11-10T09:08:00.001-06:00

Loki

How can I get upset with someone with a face like this? Sure my puppy Loki pulled down an entire roll of TP and dragged it throughout my house, but when he tilts his head and looks at me with those big dark eyes, I melt into a sea of puppy love.

Yes he chews on my books, and keeps dragging my husband's underwear into the living room to share with guests, but he is so darn adorable when he paws at his eyes.

Plus I get to dress him up. Loki is now available for work as a spokespuppy and model for fun fashion doggy wear. We are exploring the world of pet accessories together and I will be acting as his agent.

With a face like this, what's a little exposed underwear between loved ones.

Minding my Manners

2010-11-09T16:21:00.001-06:00

In November for my Out of the Box column in the Lakeshore Weekly I wrote about meeting with Marilyn Pentel of Mannerly Manners.

We could all use a few tips on helping others to feel more comfortable. Some more than others, but if I name names here that would be rude. You can read that column here "Learning to Mind my Manners"."Learning How to Mind My Manners"

Let's Deck the Halls!

2010-11-06T08:35:00.001-05:00

Growing up in Hawaii my Christmases were spent on the beach. Not a bad holiday, but as a child I longed for snow and the holiday traditions of the mainland that I saw on TV.

I've lived in Minnesota for the last 17 years and have rejoiced in the fact that the holidays come earlier and earlier each year. While others moan "too soon" I start listening to Christmas music the day after Halloween. I'd probably start sooner but my hubby can only take so much. While some may be starting to think about their Thanksgiving plans, I've already created and ordered my Christmas cards. Normally I'm done with my design by Halloween.

Though Christmas is about the birth of Jesus, I'll admit I am in love with the commercialism the holiday brings. Christmas trees, yards lit up with lights and egg nog lattes do for me what Grey Goose probably does for an alcoholic. I can't get enough, and for me it can't come soon enough.

My holiday candles are lit, I'm working my magic to convince my hubby to get the tree up this weekend and I hear egg nog lattes are just around the corner.

So moan and groan if you must about how Christmas shouldn't come before Thanksgiving. I'll be perfecting my holiday playlist while sipping a drink of the season, and hitting the shops in downtown Excelsior. Resistance is futile, the holidays are here!

For Better or Worse, in Fatness and in Health

2010-09-18T10:00:00.001-05:00

Me and the Stud-Muffin

My husband Brad and I have decided to embark upon a quest, which should be succeed will cement our commitment, and love for eternity.

Sure we have raised a family together for 13 years, have seen each other through rough times, and have learned to appreciate each others neurosis. Though those things are all a part of marriage and a life together, we have yet to take the true test of a relationship.

That true test is "Can we loose weight together?". Both Brad and I could stand to loose 25-30 lbs. Don't be fooled by my photos I know how to pose so as to not look like such a fat ass. Plus my vanity prevents me from posting unflattering photos of myself.

In our older age he 56, and me now 40, our major physical activity is sex or searching for the TV remote, usually in that order. Neither of us are fans of the gym and we both find joggers to be incredibly annoying.

We have decided it is time to take our relationship to the next level and do a diet and exercise program together. If we can survive this we can survive anything. Three days ago we started working with Fitness trainer Grant Engelmann who put us on an "Alkaline Cleanse" for 6 weeks. It is part of his program and upcoming book "Loose 6 inches in 6 weeks".

Basically we eat lean proteins, veges and fruit. This means no alcohol, caffeine, sugar, gluten or dairy. Additionally Brad and I work out with Engelmann two days a week and another 2-3 days on our own. Ideally we will work out 6 days a week, but we have to work up to that.

For some crazy reason our program includes 20-30 minutes of interval cardio before breakfast. Amazingly Brad and I have done this for the last two days. Today even braving 45 degree temps at 7:30am to do so. I had no idea how peaceful and beautiful Lake Minnetonka was that early in the morning.

In the last three days we have stuck to the eating plan, done the workouts, have only flipped off two neighbors and threatened each other with divorce once. I'd say we are on our way to better health.

Whose Your Mama?

2010-08-18T19:48:00.001-05:00

Boating with my baby

This Friday is the 20th anniversary of my becoming a parent, otherwise known as my daughter Shelby's 20th birthday, in fact her golden birthday since it is on the 20th. It also marks the point where I will have been raising my kids for half of my life. For anyone slow with math, I'm also turning 40 in a few weeks so if my daughter is 20, I've been parenting half my life.

20 years of scraped knees, of chasing after runaway turtles (they are faster than you think), of meeting imaginary friends, having birthday parties for said imaginary friends, of finding more uses for duct tape than I care to admit, and mostly 20 years of wondering how time was going by so fast.

Shelby who I used to piggy back around the yard, now towers over me by a good 4 inches and is in college. She just took her first road trip on her own and someone safely crossed state lines without me sitting there telling her what to do every step of the way.

Seems like just a few years ago I was duct taping my middle daughter Kelsey into her diaper at night so she couldn't take if off in the morning and attempt to recreate the Mona Lisa on her wall with its contents. In a few weeks she will be a senior in High School. Now the only duct tape I use on her is the one I throw at her as I yell at her to tape her own mouth shut when she gets smart with me.

My baby, my son, my Prince Jared is going into the 6th grade. How the hell did that happen so fast? My little baby who used to play with my hair while he fell asleep now has his own cell phone and won't let me hug him in public.

I've had many adventures in my life but I must say, though parenting has not been the most rewarding, it continues to be the most worthwhile adventure of all. Maybe the rewarding part is still to come. The part where my kids grow up, become rich and take care of their father and I in our old age. Allowing me to spend my twilight years drinking red wine in Italy while writing a travel column for the AARP.

Cheers to Shelby's golden birthday and cheers to half a lifetime engaged in a meaningful, worthwhile adventure of a lifetime.

Confessions of a Yankee

2010-08-12T22:55:00.000-05:00

My sister Lana,myself and Jared with Southern Grandma

My Grandma Evelyn or as I like to call her "Southern Grandma" just left after a visit with us here in Minnesota. I just adore my Southern Grandma and always get a kick out of spending time with her.

She is the only person I know who still refers to anyone who lives in the Northern U.S. as a Yankee. Southern Grandma feels that "Yankees who live down in Florida charge too much for their goods at yard sales", and are responsible for contributing to several other thorns in her side back in Florida.

Though I've lived in Minnesota for 17 years I was born and raised in Hawaii. Maybe that makes me only 1/2 Yankee? I can see how being a Southerner has its advantages. When Southern Grandma is insulting someone it sounds like a compliment with her accent, and she makes the tastiest sweet tea I've ever had.

My insults come across like insults and I haven't mastered the art of sweet tea. Must be that 1/2 Yankee in me holding me back. I love my Southern Grandma, her sense of humor and the love she has for her family. Most of all I love how she bust my mother's balls. My mom gives me a hard time on a regular basis, to see Southern Grandma give it right back to her is priceless.

My Southern Grandma is one heck of a lady and I hope we get to spend more time with her soon.

My Visit with a Voodoo Priest

2010-08-09T11:20:00.001-05:00

The Voodoo museum is a must see in the French Quarter. It is run by Dr. John T. Martin who is a white Voodoo priest. His experience in the field of Voodoo was extensive and unique for a Caucasian.

Dr. John is very soft spoken, with a peaceful nature about him. Not what I would have envisioned for a Voodoo Priest. After speaking with him I learned that Hollywood has given Voodoo a bad name and an inaccurate stereotype.

The museum is small, but has eclectic artifacts. I found it to be more educational rather than commercial. After my tour through the museum I scheduled a Psychic Reading with Dr. John for later that day. Several hours later I returned and sat down with him.

During my reading Dr. John used Tarot cards, explaining what each meant to me as we went through the reading. Dr. John had cautioned me at the start that not everyone hears what they want to hear. Thankfully there wasn't much that I didn't want to hear. There was one point he made that I didn't want to hear, but after reflecting on it I realized I needed to hear it and his advice on it was good.

During our 45 minutes together Dr. John covered the next three years of my life. Prior to the reading I didn't tell him anything about myself. Interestingly he touched on a few situations that I've been currently dealing with. He was very specific about something happening in the next 3 months. I'll have to see if that plays out. If it does, he gave me advice on how to get answers on it.

I'm not going into too many details about the reading as it was oddly personal and specific, more so than I thought it would be, being that I had just met him and hadn't shared any personal info with him.

Whether the reading was the real deal, or just lucky guessing, I left feeling peaceful and optimistic about my future. There wasn't anything spooky or evil about it. I'm not about to start practicing Voodoo, but my experience has given me a greater understanding and respect for the people who do.

Paranormal Activity?

2010-08-08T11:22:00.001-05:00

Part of our room at the B and B

Lana and I have been very busy experiencing New Orleans. I don't even know where to start with sharing all that we have done. For now I'll fill you in on how your paranormal exploration has gone.

As I posted earlier, our first night at the B and B was active with what could be paranormal activity. From the fuzzy TV,my facebook post disappearing, and creaking floors in the middle of the night, there was no shortage of possibilities. The next day I tried to enter our room using our key. I could not remove the key to save my life and gave up. Lana walked up and pulled the key right out of the lock with ease. I tried to turn off the bathroom light and could not get it to go off. Lana flipped the switch once and it went off.

Because of this we determined that if we are being haunted, whoever it is has an issue with me. To be on the safe side I apologized out loud to anyone I may have possibly offended. Since then, no fuzzy TV, the internet is now fast in our room (it had been slow as all get out) and I can use the key to get in the room. It appears that we are now co-existing with whatever spirit or spirits that inhabit the B and B.

Lafayette Cemetery in the Garden District

We have toured two cemeteries and have seen the above ground mausoleums. I've never seen anything like it. There are some which are well maintained and others that appear to have not had visitors for decades. Lana and I made a point of stopping at the less maintained mausoleums to visit.

Interestingly these cemeteries did not have the feel of death that I've experienced back home and in other parts of the country. I think it's because people from around here are really good at celebrating life, even in death.

I'll try to blog later about my visit to a Voodoo Priest and our other adventures here in the Big Easy.

The Ghost Hunting Begins

2010-08-06T09:21:00.001-05:00

Lana Slept with a bible last night

My sister Lana has taken me to New Orleans for my 40th birthday. My birthday isn't until September. The 2nd to be exact so the final days of my 30's are being counted down.

Our flight down from Minnesota was uneventful. There was a dwarf on our plane, so of course I took that as a sign of good luck and a guaranteed safe flight. As I know and you should know, dwarfs are magical.

Louisiana is thought to be the most haunted state in the United States. I'm here to judge for myself. We are staying at a B and B off the beaten path, outside of the French Quarter. The original owner who built is was a local minister who was also a slave owner. The slave quarters have been turned into rooms off of the main house.

Back in the 1800's the original owner lost two of his children in this house to illness, and he himself died after lingering for two weeks after an accident. There were also a number of deaths among the slaves. There is an entire book written about the owner and his life. I'd share his name but Lana left the book outside in the courtyard yesterday. I really hope it doesn't rain or she is buying this place a new book.

Lana and I are currently the only guest staying in the main house. After arriving yesterday and checking in we set off to explore the French Quarter for a bit. I did discover that Bourbon Street is not my cup of tea at all. The smell alone caused us to redirect our course. We did enjoy a horse drawn carriage tour through the French Quarter. Our guide sounded exactly like Al Pachino, which made the tour more interesting.

Back at the B and B last night as we prepared to go to bed around 11:00pm we had the TV on. The TV kept going fuzzy like TVs do when they have antennas. The thing is, this TV is hooked up to cable. Odd occurrence, paranormal in nature, maybe?

Last night between 2:30 and 6:30 I heard what sounded like the floor creaking when we walked across it earlier. Again, we are the only guest in the main house. Upon hearing this noise I did what any ghost hunter would do. I put the blankets over my head to act as a protective shield and installed my ear plugs. Therefore, I'm not sure how long the creaking of the floor went on.

Also prior to going to bed last night I posted on Facebook about what was happening so far. This morning that post is gone from Facebook. Now it could have been some Facebook glitch, but I'm noting it anyways.

Now we are off to try the breakfast now here at the B and B and then are going on a cemetery tour.

Parenting a Young Adult

2010-07-22T10:37:00.002-05:00

My kids are 11, 17 about to turn 18 and my oldest will be 20 in a few weeks. For awhile I've been struggling with transitioning from parenting children to parenting young adults.

It's a transition I've resisted for awhile. I still order off the kids menu for my 17 year old and make her see a Pediatrician. Both things she is refusing to do anymore. I can't seem to bring myself to see her as anything but the 12 year old little girl she once was.

How do I go from directing their play dates to letting them choose their own friends? Especially when a few of these friends display the common sense a tomato.

Yesterday I went on a portage with my three kids and my brother in law in Northern Minnesota. My kids and I shared a canoe while my brother in law followed in a kayak. I was comfortable with the three of them in the canoe with me and had two of them helping to paddle, while I paddled and steered the canoe.

The kids helped to carry the canoe and our gear when we crossed land and went into a neighboring lake. I realized how much easier this is to do at their age and size.

While we were stopped on land for a picnic lunch, my two oldest girls decided they wanted to swim across the lake to a campsite they could see. This freaked me out. "No way" was my first response. They were both excited about doing it and confident in their abilities.

I told them they could do it if they wore life jackets. Of course, they said no way. Then my brother in law suggested he follow them in the kayak with the lifejackets in case they needed them. My youngest and I would canoe across and meet them there.

Reluctantly I agreed to this. My son safely in his life jacket and I loaded the canoe and made our way across the lake. I sat on the shore watching the girls make their way across. When they had to rest they floated on their backs and may have even grabbed onto the kayak, but they never grabbed the life jackets, which were right there if they needed them.

They both made it and were very proud of themselves as was I. Watching them swim across I realized that maybe that was the difference between parenting children and parenting young adults. With children wearing the life jacket is mandatory. As they get older maybe it is okay to have the life jackets within reach as they learn how far they can swim without it.

As my older kids learn to find their own boundaries, I'm trying to stay in the canoe and let them. It isn't coming easy, but it's coming.

Traveling and Having Fun!

2010-07-21T20:31:00.002-05:00

What a crazy last few months. The good type of crazy, filled with traveling and adventures. My busy traveling schedule will continue through October. I think I've been out of town every month since April, except maybe for June.

I'm in Northern Minnesota this week with my family enjoying some canoeing, hiking and fishing. My son Jared caught a 7-8 lb Northern Pike, his biggest yet. My girls and I portaged between two nearby lakes and just enjoyed the great outdoors. Unfortunately Brad couldn't get away from the office. Although, we had a great time spending the 4th of July in Florida celebrating his birthday with the kids.

I hope to do some hiking in Superior National Forest before we head back to the city this weekend. I love it up here. In a few weeks I'll be celebrating my 40th birthday early with my sister in New Orleans. In September I'll be exploring Boston and New Hampshire with my husband, and in October I'm heading home to Hawaii for my little sister's wedding. I'm just having a blast exploring new and old surroundings.

Thank goodness I have a job I can take with me. All I need is a computer and an internet connection. Staying busy has been the best thing for me and has done wonders for my family. Things are really going well. It's amazing what getting rid of toxic relationships does for improving one's outlook.

Pumping Iron

2010-06-11T15:26:00.001-05:00

I swore that I wouldn't celebrate my upcoming 40th birthday while still carrying around the 20 extra pounds that I gained.

Working with Trainer Bob Miller of Miller Essential Fitness has really changed my viewpoint about lifting weights. I've lost 10 lbs so far, but what is more impressive to me is how my body shape is changing. I have muscles!

I've been opening jars for people, and lugging in large bottles of water, things I used to leave for my husband to do. Now, I know I'm not where I want to be yet, but feeling stronger and becoming more tone is a great start.

I'm finding that I have way less back pain, more energy and am sleeping like a baby!

Lately my focus has been on including cardio into my workouts 2-3 times a week. I do weights with Bob twice a week and cardio another 2-3 times on my own. It isn't always easy, but the work is starting to pay off.

What About Bob?

2010-04-29T19:56:00.001-05:00

Meet my Bob, trainer Bob, don't make me do another squat Bob, or as he is known to most Bob Miller.

My fat pants are now my tight pants. I have a closet full of clothes that I can't wear, and I'll be damned if I'm going to buy a larger pair of fat pants.

This last year I've gained 20 lbs...., okay actually I gained 25 lbs. I'm 4 months from turning 40 and I'm not doing so in my fat pants!

I'm teaming up with Fitness Trainer Bob Miller to shed the pounds and get back in shape as I approach the gates of 40. Bob was crazy enough to take me on as a client, but I do believe that with over 20 years of experience he is the man for the job. You can find more about Bob at www.millerefit.com

Check back and share the insanity of weight loss with me.

My 20 Year Secret

2010-03-09T13:15:00.001-06:00

This month in my "Outside the Box" column that I write for the Lakeshore Weekly I write about something that I have kept hidden for 20 years. Not just that, but also what I'm doing about it now.

You can read it here "Outside the Box"

Congratulations Mrs. Minnesota Susie Overvold

2010-03-08T11:18:00.001-06:00

This last weekend I had the pleasure of attending the Mrs. Minnesota International Pageant. Several of my friends were participating in the pageant this year along with Mrs. Excelsior Susie Overvold.

In June of last year I crowned Susie as Mrs. Excelsior at her banner presentation, turning over the title I once held.

The weekend was full of fun with never a dull moment. No one's dress was slashed and no cat fights broke out, but a good time was still had by all. I love pageant weekend because it gives me a chance to catch up with several of the most inspiring women I know, who have supported me through my own adventures in life.

Lost in Translation

2010-01-12T18:19:00.001-06:00

When I was in High School and wanted to speak to my best friend Virgie about a problem I was having, I would take our home phone with the massively long, snaked around cord, and go into my room to make a call. On her end Virgie, or God forbid her non-English speaking Filipino grandparents parents would answer the phone. They didn’t know who it was because there was no caller ID in the early 80’s, but they would answer the phone anyways. The most high tech thing we had was call waiting, which meant I could finally stay on the phone as long as I wanted, but my mom could still call home and reach me.

If I couldn’t reach Virgie by phone my boy problems had to wait till school the next day. Today I can text, call on the home phone, my cell, AIM, Skype, facebook, email or MSN messenger my friends. There are times when I feel I have more written communication between my friends and I, rather than the face-to-face kind.

For scheduling a lunch or relaying a quick detail, text messages are great. Emails are like letters in that you can communicate a bit more on the topic, but compared to in person conversations, something gets lost in the translation.

Written communication does not always easily relay the intent or feeling of the writer. Especially in the way we communicate today, with abbreviated versions of what we want to say to save time and space in an email or text. Is the writer of the email mad, being sarcastic, happy or bored? Those little smiley faces help as do acronyms like LMAO or IMHO, but seeing a person smile as they speak, or shed a tear is a much easier way to really know what they are feeling.

A problem being discussed via email could take days to sort out, whereas if it were discussed in person it could not only take minutes, but also actually be sorted out. When you add time and distance into communication you have opened the door to misunderstandings and trouble, especially if the communication taking place is about a sensitive subject.

With all the technology today keeping in touch is very easy to do, but is it really helping us to communicate? A computer screen will never fully reflect sincerity. It can never relay the heartache witnessed by looking into the eyes of another. A computer screen will never share desperately needed empathy, compassion and understanding, not compared to a face-to-face hug. Regardless of how many “sending hugs your way” you type out.

Recently a friendship of mine was tested via emails, distance made an immediate face-to-face conversation difficult. Misunderstandings arose, loyalties and honesty was questioned. Half a lifetime of friendship potentially lost in the translation.

With modern technology things happen much faster than they once did. But still, letters on an electronic screen are no substitute for true, real communication, which is the only kind that needs no translation.

Dating New Friends

2010-01-06T20:19:00.000-06:00

How often do you make new friends? Not just acquaintances, but actual friends. For me an acquaintance is someone I'll chat with because they happen to be there, and it is more socially acceptable than talking out loud to myself. Whereas a friend is someone I will seek out because I want to converse with them, or "conversate" as my sister says. She insists that "conversate" is a real world, spell check says otherwise.

Recently I've felt the need to make a few new friends and it got me thinking, how do I make new friends at 39? I'm not in school, my neighbors aren't forced to play with me because I'm the only kid in the cul-de-sac, and I work from home, which eliminates the opportunity of meeting new friends at work, despite my best efforts to befriend my mailman. He is getting quicker and quicker at dropping off that mail and taking off before I can get a word in. I'm also getting the hint with the headphones Mr. Mailman.

In years gone by when I was courting a potential friend I did my best to hide what I call my more eccentric self and instead tried to behave in a way that I thought might be more acceptable to them. During an early friendship date over lunch I might say "Oh yeah I don't like soap operas either, who has the time?", Thirty minutes later I'd be safely home catching up on my Tivoed "Days of Our Lives". Or "Midget wrestling, oh yeah that is totally offensive", knowing full well I lived for the nights when midget wrestling was on TV back in the 80's. Today we call them dwarfs but back then "midgets" was still PC.

I've been lucky enough to have some pretty amazing friends who have taught me a thing or two over the years. Mainly that they loved me for who I was, a soap opera lover with a dwarf fetish. My true friends didn't just celebrate my greatest moments with me, they stood by during the worst. Nothing shines light on a true friend more than their willingness to be there, even when it is uncomfortable to do so. They may not always know what to say or do, but they are there.

Standing there holding your hair back while you throw up behind a bar because you thought if was a great idea to ride a mechanical bull after drinking champagne and whiskey. There holding your hand while you faced your fear of heights in a tiny plane that you are sure is going to drop out of the sky at any moment, leaving you mortified that you are going to die wearing granny panties. Friends like that don't grow on trees.

At my age, between work, raising three ungrateful kids and carrying on a 12 year affair with my own husband I don't have a ton of time to date new friends. These days I have to just lay it out on the table, sometimes on the first date.

Recently I started dating a new friend and I found myself doing just that, without much sugar coating. I didn't have time for a long drawn out courtship. Like I said, I have my hands full raising those ungrateful children, those bad attitudes won't raise themselves, not to mention work was piling up. I needed to know right off the bat if she was cool with a few things to determine if we were going to take it to the next level or not.

"There are a few things you should know about me" I said, "First off I love zombie movies and I think Zombieland was the best movie of 2009. Secondly #3 on my "Bucket List" is to befriend a dwarf. I almost met one at the gym but couldn't think of how to strike up a conversation without it being weird. Lastly I'm a closet Barry Manilow Fan."

My own brand of uniqueness is in no way limited to those three points, but if she could handle that, we had a foundation from which to build a beautiful friendship on.

I'm happy to say my new now official friend no longer just an acquaintance, knows full well what she may be getting into and is taking plunge.

So maybe putting our manicured, beautiful smelling best foot forward isn't necessary after all? If you can put a bruised, hang nailed foot with a questionable sore, but lots of potential forward, and that person is still there, then you just may have the start of something beautiful.

Unplugged

2009-12-25T11:13:00.000-06:00

Barbara De Angelis once said “We need to find the courage to say NO to the things and people that are not serving us if we want to rediscover ourselves and live our lives with authenticity.”

Recently I unplugged and said “no more” to a source of insanity that had been poisoning the tranquil waters of my ocean. I unplugged from the enforced chaos, from the inflated single minded view of what is right and what is wrong, based soley on what best serves the machine.

I’ve unplugged from this machine, which dominates through the annihilation of free will, free choice, freedom to look, freedom to evaluate for oneself. I’ve unplugged from this machine, which perverted an energy that was pure, but now with tentacles of greed it captures and assimilates any self -determined individual.

I’ve unplugged from this machine, and now live in the imperfect tides of my bountiful ocean. Filled with a variety of life, from different depths and shores, free to swim with or against the current. Free to use that pure energy once perverted, but now restored by the truth of my sea.

I've unplugged from this machine and I walk away towards adventures that may be known or unknown, but they will be authentically mine.

Our Christmas Letter

2009-12-23T18:33:00.001-06:00

Note: Below is our 2009 Christmas letter complete with a typo I missed before it went out.

Warning: Though written with love and in fun, ONE person was offended enough to write me a letter about it, so if you ride the "easily offended" bus, you might want to stop reading now.

Mele Kaliki Maka (Merry Christmas),

We are happy to celebrate another year of fun adventures in the Hagemo household with no arrests, though there were a few close calls this year. The children continue to make their mediocre way through school, they are passing and we are thankful for that.

Kelsey enjoyed spending time in Paris, England, Florida and New York this year. Her collection of photos of her trespassing in fountains all over Europe can be seen on Facebook. Again we would formally like to apologize to the London police for that misunderstanding outside of Buckingham palace.

I enjoyed an east coast trip this year visiting New York, Boston and Connecticut. My sisters and I went home to Hawaii this summer where we got matching tattoos, while conversing with a retired Australian stripper turned psychic. Hawaii continues to be filled with characters as colorful as its many flowers. I also made it out to Seattle to celebrate my birthday with my friends who continue to sabotage my walk with Jesus.

Jared enjoyed a few cabin trips where he participated in the great Hagemo/Schneider water gun fight of 2009. We learned that the Schneiders play dirty and are not afraid to take hostages. Jared also is continuing to help our dog Dexter to loose weight, apparently Dexter is obese, not just big boned like we thought.

Brad worked and worked and worked as usual. As he says "Someone has to pay for all these trips". He continues to enjoy talking politics and is still recovering from Obama winning the Nobel Peace prize.

Shelby spent most of the year in Florida, she claims to be studying but my Visa statement continues to show multiple charges from a jet ski rental place.

So all in all, we would call this last year a success, no one got swine flu and are neighbors are still speaking to us. We wish you the best this holiday season and in the New Year!

Love,

Natalie, Brad, Shelby, Kelsey and Jared

Have Spear Will Travel

2009-04-24T15:53:00.001-05:00

Note: I'm behind on blogging because there is no cell reception or internet where we are staying. Each day I have to wait until we drive down the mountain towards Kona till I can get online in the car (using my internet card) as I am now, risking motion sickness to share with you).

Proudly I announce that I Natalie Hagemo entered the ocean at the Mauna Kea Beach Hotel. My father has three daughters and of the three of us only one (Nahe pictured here with me) took to the ocean like he did. Nahe surfs, snorkels and recently started to spear fish.

We went snorkling, Nahe with spear in hand searching for fish. Though I am not the natural fish in the water that my little sister is, I played a part in the spearing of her first fish.

My job was to distract and corner the victim while Nahe went in for the kill and we were successful, okay Nahe mostly but I helped.

I was quite proud of myself. Other than being chased by a sea turtle, my snorkeling experience was amazing. My dad claims the sea turtle was swimming away from someone else and not in fact charging at me. Easy for him to say he wasn't frantically screaming underwater trying to escape the beast.

Today we hope to find my Uncle Duane in Kona who teaches surfing and do some surfing.

Attack of the Octopus

2009-04-24T15:40:00.001-05:00

With my Grandma's 80th birthday luau just a few days away my family set out to Hapuna beach to go spear fishing for Ocotpus for the party.

I'm pictured here with the soon to be dinner and the Uncle that captured it. My sister Nahe joined the spear fishing expedition while my other sister Lana and I opted for being lookouts from the safety of the beach. Coming face to face with creepy looking

Octopus is not how I wanted to kick off my vacation.

Hawaii is a place where one would never go hungry. There is an abundance of food in the ocean, I've watched my Grandma eat certain types of seaweed right out of the water. You are surrounded by fruit of all types.

We Have Arrived!

2009-04-22T21:16:00.001-05:00

After 17 hours, 3 airplanes and an hour and a half of driving in the dark and rain, we finally arrived to our destination. We are staying at an amazing secluded B and B.

I just wanted to post that I did arrive safe and sound. I'm dead tired today after not much sleep and too much sun, not that I'm complaining.

Later I'll post about today and the battle my family had and won with an octopus. Pictured with me are my sisters Lana and Nahe. Lana lives in Minnesota and our little sister Nahe was born in Hawaii but grew up in England. We are thrilled to be together again.

My Stalker Self

2009-04-21T15:53:00.002-05:00

Okay so I discovered that the gentleman I was airport stalking was not Sayid from Lost. I also learned that Middle Eastern men catch on quick when you are stalking them, and they don't seem to appreciate it.

I'm at my gate anxiously awaiting the boarding of my flight to Oahu. I've managed to not only survive my 4 hour layover in L.A, but have successfully stayed out of trouble, for the most part, minus pissing off the "not Sayid guy".

I am already amongst my people. I can hear the Pidgin English accents all around, and the loud laughter of my fellow Hawaiian people. For the last 2o minutes I've been watching a Japanese couple sleeping, sitting up in their chairs. I've been trying to decide if I should awaken the female and alert to the fact that she is drooling on not just herself but also onto her Gucci handbag. It's one thing to slobber on yourself, but another matter entirely when you deface innocent Italian leather. Oh no need she just woke up and figured it out. I of course am politely looking away and acting like I didn't notice, as airport etiquette would dictate.

Because of the post traumatic stress I now suffer due to this mornings "compulsive farter" flight, I can't help but look over my fellow travelers with apprehension. Is there a farter among them? What are the odds that I would be on another flight with such a person? Not much chance of that happening two flights in a row.

Wish me luck. I'll try and post while on Oahu before flying to the Big Island. Aloha!!

To Grandmother's House I Go

2009-04-21T14:13:00.001-05:00

Here I sit at a Starbucks in the LAX airport, trying to make the most of my 4 hour layover on my way to my homeland of Hawaii. I'm going home for my Grandma's 80th birthday.

I was sitting in Wolf Gang Pucks at the bar but got tired of unshaven, earring wearing men asking me "What do you do?" To which I reply "my husband", while giving my best leave me alone look. For now I'm taking refuge at the Starbucks, doing what I can to pass the time. I'm one hour into a 4 hour lay over.

Well being hit on beats the compulsive farter that I had the unpleasant experience of sitting next to on the way here. This man's silent but deadly's could but a skunk to shame. I had to stash away the sweater I was wearing, out of fear that Sir Stinks A-lot's gas cloud became embedded within its fabrics. It is not my plan to get on my next flight which is 5 1/2 hours long smelling like the ass of someone who thinks it's okay to turn an airplane cabin into his own personal gas passing station.

The only thing keeping me going is knowing that tomorrow I will wake up in paradise surrounded by family, and best of all will be eating Hawaiian food! More to come later.... Right now I have to go airport stalk a guy who looks just like Sayid from Lost.

I've Never Cursed So Much

2009-04-18T15:08:00.001-05:00

For my May "Outside the Box" column, published in the Lakeshore Weekly, I've been taking guitar lessons.

First off you must know that I am not very musically inclined. When I can get my iPod to work, I'm thrilled.

I've never really played an instrument, one of the many things I must admit I have blamed on being left-handed. To prepare for my guitar lessons with Jammer at Sounds Sisters in Excelsior, I started playing Guitar Hero on Playstation with my daughter Kelsey.

Because I played Guitar Hero like a right-handed person I figured I would learn the guitar like a right-handed person. I have never sworn so much! For the full disclosure as to how my diving into guitar lessons went, you will have to wait for my column to come out in May.

For now I can say that it was absolutely outside of my comfort zone, and Carlos Santana need not worry about competition from me.

My Latest Love Affair

2009-04-15T10:42:00.001-05:00

I've been involved in a life long love affair with baked goods. A Chocolate croissant has never judged me, a blueberry muffin has never betrayed me.

A month ago Patisserie Margo opened on Water Street here in Excelsior, we have been inseparable ever since. As a matter of fact I'm sitting in the bakery right now basking in the afterglow of my Quiche Lorraine.

I have been on a mission since this fine establishment has opened. My goal is to be the first Excelsior resident to try one of every type of baked good (single serving items) that Patisserie Margo has to offer. Collin (pictured with me) who is Margo's son and the Manager, has almost committed to putting up a plaque to mark the occasion when my goal is reached.

It is with great pride an accomplishment that I tell you I have only three items to go! In addition to the scrumptious bakery items they carry sandwiches, gourmet soups and delicious quiche, all of which I have tried.

With the warmer days we have been having here in Minnesota, I've enjoy sitting in their outdoor patio area, while sipping my espresso, and delicately breaking off pieces of my morning scone.

Stay tuned for the big announcement when I reach my goal!

Your Dog is Obese!

2009-04-14T15:08:00.000-05:00

Those were the words spoken by my Veterinarian recently when I took my 9 year old dog "Dexter" in for a visit at the Excelsior Animal Hospital.

Now I knew he was probably a bit overweight but when my Doctor dropped the "O" bomb I was shocked out of denial. I had blamed Dexter's sluggish behavior and long naps on the fact that he was getting older and was probably a tad arthritic. Plus, who doesn't like a nice siesta in the afternoon?

After his exam and blood test it was determined that Dexter was not only arthritic, but also 50 lbs overweight (though I think more like 35) and was hypo-thyroid. I feared that the Doctor would report us to the dog equivalent of "child protection services" and I would be banned from dog ownership forever. Luckily Dr. Parrot (yes that is his actual name) believed in rehabilitation not just for the dog but for his owners.

With medication for his arthritis and thyroid condition, a strict diet and added exercise Dexter could recover and not have to live with the shame of doggy obesity.

I'm happy to report that it has been two weeks and Dexter has lost 6 lbs! I'm taking him into the Excelsior Animal Hospital every 2-3 weeks for weigh-ins to chart his progress.

This experience has also prompted me to drop a few pounds. I too will be weighing myself when I take Dexter in. Despite the funny looks I get, I like the doggy scale. Dexter and I are united in his battle of the bulge! Stay tuned for updates.

Married Bliss Interrupted by Seth Rogan

2009-04-12T09:53:00.001-05:00

Brad and I celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary yesterday. Not a day goes by where I don't recognize how lucky I am to be married to a man that loves me as much as he does and knows how to show it. I love his sense of humor. Yesterday I asked what it's like being married to me. He said "It's like trying to herd cats, I love you but know better than to try and control you". He is such a wise man and I am madly in love with him.

Seth Rogan almost ruined my anniversary date. We saw "Observe and Report", his new movie. I'm sad to say the movie sucked. I've enjoyed most of his movies, but this one was bad. It isn't often that we get a night out without the kids, so to have wasted precious date night time on this movie was a major bummer.

Thankfully we had a delicious dinner at Axel's in Chanhassen. I love their prime rib, followed by dessert and drinks at Jake O'Connors Irish Pub on Water street in Excelsior, which quickly dissipated the bad taste left in our mouths from Seth Rogans crappy movie.