Thursday, February 16, 2012

Amy Tan No Love Me Long Time

Note: I'm part Chinese.  My great grandfather immigrated from China to Hawaii, which means I can say this kind of stuff without it being racists.

My excessive computer use contributes to some tough knots in my upper back.  To help handle the pain I regularly see a chiropractor and also try to get frequent massages.

I often visit the Oriental Massage place at a local mall where you can just walk in without an appointment.  There is a woman there who does an amazing job, and for a great price.

I've been seeing her on and off for about a year and we have developed a love hate relationship.  I call her Amy Tan, after one of my favorite Asian authors.  She doesn't seem to mine, but she also barely speaks English.  It's not like she knows my name either.  I've seen her for 12 months and she still calls me "lady".

Amy Tan and I communicate mostly through sign language and our own version of charades, which I sometimes have fun with.  Once she questioned (by motioning) why my shoulder was so jacked up.  My reply in English was "It's from compulsive masturbating".  She just smiled and nodded.

I think she secretly speaks more English than she lets on and only puts up with my shit because I tip her ridiculously well.  Because I suspect Amy Tan of holding out on me in regard to her understanding of English, I have become very suspicious of her actions.

Today I was on the massage table when Amy Tan's dad came over and started chatting with her.  I don't mind too much as you get what you pay for when it comes to ambiance.

They were speaking in Chinese which sounds like "Ce chong ce chong" But, what I heard in my head was "Keep her face down while I go through her purse."  I later checked and my purse looked untouched.

Today Amy Tan was working her magic.  She was grinding her elbow into my right shoulder, and then she farted.  Being the polite person that I am, I ignored it.  Though I did think to myself "If I smell it her tip is getting cut in half."

At the end of our hour I was feeling much better.  Amy Tan goes a bit overboard with the karate chops at the end.  I think she hits me hard just to be a bitch.

Before I leave we go through our usual routine, she offers me a cup of water but I refuse because she probably spits in it.


Shelby said...

This was a good post, I laughed out loud in every paragraph! :)

Shelby said...

This is hilarious, I laughed in every paragraph! :)